some of these behaviors can happen individually, of course, but (even if you've never suspected it) if you start to notice a pattern, pay closer attention. your friend, family member, or coworker - she might be the victim of narcissistic abuse. this can come in many forms but is usually physical, mental, verbal, and/or sexual. the cycle of abuse/love Bombing/gas lighting/victim shaming leads the victim to be left with a mere shell of themselves. everything that they once were is gone, in an attempt to survive, and sometimes they don't survive. if there's even a possibility that your friend/family member/coworker is in this position, I caution you to not cut them off like you might want to do--even with their erratic behavior. they need love and support, even if it feels like they're pushing you away. these are some of the common symptoms seen in narcissistic abuse syndrome:
They become easily angered
if you've ever been in this situation, you get it. if you haven't, you're likely tired of getting snapped at by your friend or family member (or anybody you meet in the community, so keep it in mind) and maybe you don't feel like the friendship is worth it. after a certain amount of abuse, whether it be physical, emotional, mental, sexual, or all of the above--anger sets in. anger that it's happening, anger that she's letting it happen, anger that there isn't a way out, or so it seems. often there is also anger that other people are allowing this to happen while getting frustrated at her! also, when you're shown anger by someone important to you, on a regular basis, it simply becomes more acceptable as a practice. if you pull back from this friendship, you're doing exactly the opposite of what she needs, and the exact thing that the abuser wants.
They are irritable
this goes along with anger, and there's not really another way to explain it except that you can imagine you're mistreated all the time (or at least half the time) and then blamed for it. and you can't sleep. and you're scared but made to feel crazy for being scared because it wasn't even that bad --and now you're called dramatic for being scared. and then you're in trouble for mentioning any of it, even in private. this cycle simply puts a person on edge. they're irritable, rightfully so. if you pull away from this person you're adding to the problem. often there is a tremendous amount of guilt and low self-worth behind this irritability. your friend needs you to remind them that they are valuable.
They are hypervigilant
hypervigilance is a sort of anxiety, mixed with fight or flight, mixed with an attempt at avoidance of more abuse. it can come in the form of generalized anxiety about life, extreme rule making about things that might get them 'in trouble' (like relationships with friends/family/people of the opposite sex), or it can come in the form of hyper anxiety related to the abuser. we'll talk about this more in a few minutes. again, if you pull away from this friend, you're simply hurting them more when they feel they have (and deserve) nobody - you'll be making it easier for the abuser to make them feel worthless.
They are 'overly' anxious
Being in a constant state of fight or flight is exhausting. having simple items, actions, locations, words, or even looks on ones face--all remind a person of abuse--is exhausting. this state of mind is literally the same as being on drugs constantly. your brain & body are unable to relax. not even for sleep. of course they're anxious. Additionally, narcissistic abusers often choose victims who have at least a small amount of anxiety/depression/mental illness at baseline. this way, they can play up the 'crazy' when explaining that what happened wasn't abuse. this leads your friend to agree with the fact that they must be crazy. they really need those anxiety pills. it's a feedback loop of sorts. the more mentally ill they are the more meds they need, and then the more 'crazy', oh and the more abuse they'll endure. the best thing you can do is find a time/space/way to help your friend relax sometimes. give them something to take their mind off of things.
they are tired/grumpy from lack of good sleep
you would think that sleep would be easy from all the stress experienced during the day, but it's not. have you ever pictured someone attacking you while you sleep? how about if you pictured it every time you lay down - because it's either happened or has been threatened. your mind is racing - replaying all the traumatic incidents and if they really are your fault like the abuser says 8394040 times a day, and you're wondering if you could've prevented this time, had you simply done or said something different. sleep is maybe the worst time for the victim of abuse because it's anything but relaxing and relaxing is all they want/need. They are exhausted, and yes, grumpy.
they are too wrapped up in their significant other
this happens for several reasons. the abuser has often isolated your friend, leaving them with sometimes nobody except them. the abuser then uses this leverage to not only make their victim feel worthless, but now there's nobody to notice, to intervene, or to counteract this negative talk. usually the abuser has a tremendous ego that mustn't be damaged, so your friend is supposed to show a significant amount of love and loyalty to their abuser. don't let your friend get caught telling the real story, I mean, 'bad mouthing' the abuser. It's a betrayal. Keep in mind, too, it's often easy to get caught because narcissists are also stalkers - so your friend learns to only speak good and be 'up their partner's butt' for a lack of better words. also, in between those abusive times, often narcissistic abusers are tremendously loving - adding to the thought that maybe your friend did cause all of this. if he can be nice and loving sometimes, it must be me, right? back to my point, your friend partly wants to spend all their time with their abuser, partly feels they need to, and partly they have to - so as not to piss off the abuser. don't be pushy about spending time with your friend but certainly don't back off.
they are always self-doubting/needing reassurance
imagine you're in bed, crying, full of guilt for all the bad things you 'caused' him to do, and he's screaming at you, calling you names, adding to your shame, guilt, self hate, etc. victims of narcissistic abuse end up committing suicide because of situations like the one I just described. and guess what? the abuser lavishes in this. They love that they were important enough for this to happen! of course, they tell a different story about what happened than the true story that I just described. they love to tell others stories/lies about the person to make themselves look like the victim. she was crazy, addicted, lazy, mean, so guilty for her own reasons -anything you could (or maybe couldn't) imagine. this is another reason your friend hasn't left. her abuser has likely told and shown her how he can and will ruin her life if she is no longer loyal to him. he'll go to great lengths to do so. which proves the point - how could this be love? it isn't.
I digress. my point is, if the main human contact you have is with someone who blames all the terribleness on you, constantly, in all the ways, even when times are good - you eventually believe it. you do need that reassurance. and it's annoying, as a friend of one of these people, I know - but their basic self worth, value, and literal life is on the line. if you love them, you'll deal with annoyance. hopefully, you can find the strength and patience to help your friend/family member/coworker get through this terrible time, and back to themselves - smiling, genuinely.
this scenario is something that came up this week and something that I thought some of you should know. If you're the friend, breathe. Be there for her. If you're the victim, be careful, and leave. I don't care where you have to go - you deserve better. He doesn't love you, I'm sorry ti say.
thanks for stopping by and reading, y'all. have a great day! until next time...
mama gnome, a.k.a. eliza
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